*This was written on Feb 17, 2012*
I have never shared this on Couponers United because it was too difficult. But this year, although the pain is still there, I have come to a point where I realize my story helps other parents that go through the same situation that my family endured in 2005. When I share our story, I connect with so many other parents that have gone through this and have made life long friends through our loss. And I’d like you all to know that I’m a real person back here typing everyday. I’m not a computer, but a real mom like many of you! With kids, crazy schedules, ups and downs, struggles, family drama, money issues, etc.
On Feb 14, 2005, Valentine’s Day, my husband, Jack, and I lost our daughter Emma Grace. I was 38 weeks pregnant when we lost her. I was just two short weeks shy of my due date. I woke up and Emma wasn’t kicking or moving like normal. She had been quite active every day prior. I headed into work and figured she was just sleeping in. Still no movement at all. I had some orange juice and tried to jostle her a bit. Nothing seemed to worked. I attempted to eat a little more sugar and nothing. I called the doctor with my concerns and they told me to come on in. So, we headed to the doctor just to be sure, never thinking for a moment that anything serious was wrong. In fact, I was thinking that maybe this meant I would be delivering her early or at least maybe they would set an induction that week. I was in no way prepared for what was to come.
We sat in the waiting room and again, it never crossed my mind that something was so wrong. I thought that she was just sleeping or maybe she was getting so big that there was no room for her to move. They called me back and performed a stress test. They put some electrodes on my stomach and gave me a hand held button to press when I felt movements. When they hooked me up to the electrodes, we still had no idea anything was wrong. The nurse found the heartbeat right away, or so we thought. We found out later that she must have been picking up MY heartbeat and not Emma’s. The test lasted about 15 minutes or so. I DID feel movement. Not a kick or a punch like usual, but more like a very light flutter… maybe twice during the test. I was told later that was probably just her body floating in the fluid. The doctor then took a look at the paper that had printed out from the test. He grabbed a doppler to listen to her heartbeat and was having trouble so he sent me into the ultrasound.
At this point, I still didn’t know anything was wrong. The nurse had found the heartbeat…or so I thought…. so I figured he was sending me to the ultrasound because the heartbeat was too slow or too fast. The tech did not let on at all that something was wrong. It seemed like a typical ultrasound until I asked “is everything ok”? And she responded with… “Let me get the doctor for you”. That seemed strange. Why isn’t she showing me the screen? Why don’t I hear anything? The doctor came in and watched the ultrasound tech to be sure, then let me know that yes, Emma had passed.
Disbelief.
My husband and I were in shock I think. We cried. The doctor gave us a few minutes. We cried and I kept asking why and saying I didn’t understand. The doctor came back in and my husband asked “what now?”. We were given the option to go be induced right away, or wait to go into labor on my own. That seemed awful and cruel. So, we headed to the hospital. I still remember walking through the lobby to leave and everyone staring. All the pregnant women watching me, 9+ months pregnant crying and shaking as I walked by them all.
Off to the hospital I went to be induced. THREE DAYS of labor. Just horrible. They would not do a c-section because any surgery is risky. The worst part- there was no special wing for us. I could hear women in “real labor” having “live babies” for 3 full days. We arrived February 14 and she was born February 17. I don’t remember much during that time besides crying. I know my sisters took turns sitting with me if Jack had to run off. I remember my sister telling me they gave me a drug test. I was mortified! Did they really think I was using drugs? They said it’s procedure.I remember dozens and dozens of questions…like “do you remember falling. Are you sure? Does your husband abuse you?” All of this made me mad and sadder. I remember my husband bringing in movies, but I couldn’t focus.
Our pastor Joel Hunter came and visited with his wife Becky. He was speechless. “I have no words and I can’t tell you why these things happen” – that was his statement. But the prayers flowed. They seemed to come directly from above. I believe God was speaking through him. There was some comfort.
Emma was born and she was gorgeous. FULL head of hair. 10 fingers, 10 toes. When I was delivering her I kept thinking the doctors were wrong and she would be born just fine. This was all just a huge mistake on their part. I pictured her coming out crying and everyone in disbelief. I was convinced….they MUST BE WRONG. I believed this up until I held her. When she was born it was surreal. At my two previous births, there was such joy….anxious to meet our new baby. There was commotion and crying-us and the baby. Photos, joy, happy tears, daddy not leaving the baby’s side. But, not this day. This day, there was quiet sobbing. Not joyful tears, but sad, angry, heartbroken tears. And there were no beautiful baby wails. No pictures. Just two parents with broken hearts and two nurses fighting back their tears.
We were able to hold her and stay with her as long as we wanted. I’m SO glad I did. I remember my husband getting angry once and I thought they were going to ask him to leave. It happened when they told us that the only rooms they had available for post-labor were shared rooms. This meant I would be in a room with another mom and her baby. This was unacceptable and he was irate. Thankfully, they found a shared room that had no one in it. I told them if someone was brought in the other bed, I would walk out… in my gown and everything.
The next days are a blur. All I remember is crying. And more crying. I found it hard to move, eat, sleep, breathe. I didn’t understand how life could go on like normal for everyone else, my baby just died! Thank God for family and friends. I forgot to do daily things…but they remembered. Everything seemed unimportant. The dishes, the lawn, lunch, vacuuming, you name it, I forgot about it. And family & friends swooped in to take care of all those things. I had help with the funeral and setting up the burial. I had people working on setting up the autopsy. I wanted to know what went wrong.
I can NOW say …. and this took a VERY long time. God truly does have a reason for everything. He has a plan. I don’t understand why this happend to us exactly. But, afterwards, I found out that TWO of our very good friends, came back to church after we lost her. Their family was repaired because of her loss and the support, strength, faith that they witnessed at her funeral. Also, her loss has taught me how important our faith is. It strengthened omy relationships. It put so many things into perspective. And I’m now able to help quite a few that have gone through the same situation. Some are currently going through the same situation.
It took months, but I did find out that there was a clot in the cord. I had MTHFR, which is a clotting disorder and only affects you when pregnant.
I hope this post will help another. I have been blessed with 2 more children after her loss. We now have a total of 5 babies. 4 earth angels and 1 angel born straight to heaven. We also had one miscarriage after Emma.
Happy “birthday” Emma!
You’re an inspiration & a blessing. Hugs.
What a beautiful and heartbreaking story. And what a tribute to Emma. You are very brave to share this personal heartache with so many. I’m glad you were able to do so for yourself and for others.
Wow, what a sad, but beautiful, story. Thank you so much for sharing this. I cannot imagine what you and your family went through. You are so strong to share this, and you made my day today and I’m sure you’ve made the day for others as well.
She is beautiful. Our daughter was born 3 months early (at 27 weeks) on Feb. 17th 2 years ago & I feared the worst, although in the end she survived. Still, I can imagine how your heart was breaking during that time. Thank you for sharing your story.
Christina-
Glad to know there are other mother’s who have endured this. My daughter was born @ 26 weeks weighing 1 lb 8 oz! Today she is 5 1/2… Praise the Lord… still hard to be greatful when nice people like Mary lose their little ones!
I had tears in my eyes reading your story. Thank you for sharing your story. I can’t imagine there’s any pain greater for parent than the passing of a child. I am a mom, and my heart goes out to you. I am glad you were blessed with 4 other children, but you will always be the mother of 5.
God Bless you and your family. Thank you for sharing.
Happy Birthday Emma!
I have never been in your situation, even though I wanted a houseful of children and feel fortunate that God blessed me with one girl and one boy, who have since given me 5 beautiful grandchildren! I was touched by your story, and pray that God will comfort you each and every day, knowing that your little angel is still working out His Plan! Thank you for having the strength to share your deepest heartbreak, so that others can know there is Peace that passeth all understanding! Emma is a beautiful child who is still with you always! Blessings to you, dear one!
Happy Birthday Emma! Thank you for sharing your (and your family’s) story. Your faith says it all.
WOW. I am so sorry for your loss of Baby Emma, it was heartbreaking to read. Thank you for sharing your story. Sometimes you can’t see God’s plan till later, and sometimes not at all. Maybe God’s plan was for you to help others go through this, maybe some who don’t know him. I will pray for you and your family today.
Thank for sharing your story. Your angel is beautiful.
I went through a similar situation at 21wks after already having 2 miscarriages. I found out that our son passed when we went for the ultrasound that morning to find out the sex. I, too, had to go through labor and delivery on New year’s Eve of 2004.
It was a long road afterwords but the Lord strengthened us in the process. After healing physically, emotionally, and even spiritually, I can say that we have been restored double as we have had 2 more since then. I’m leaving out a lot of the details but I will tell you that God restores! And what the enemy meant for evil, God can use it for our good as our testimonies do encourage others to continue to fight the good fight of faith. Thank you for sharing for it is a blessing to us all =)
From my previous post, I meant we have had 2 more children…..healthy, healed, and whole =)
A heart breaking story. God works in ways that are very hard to understand. But our faith in Him is what keeps us going. Blessing to you and your family.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. It really puts so much in perspective and makes me thank god for all of our blessings, hidden and showing. God bless your family and Happy Birthday to your angel in heaven.
I am so sorry for your loss and cannot imagine your pain. Thank you for sharing your incredible faith with us.
Mary, I remember being there at the funeral service. I was so moving and so beautiful. It is so difficult to understand the “why”, I agree, but God always has a plan. I am praying for you this day, and I understand, like many others who have posted, that we never, ever forget the little angels we have lost, too soon. Ours was 12/23/86, and I have never forgotten the loss, however the pain is dulled by time, as well as the joy of having 2 wonderful girls. God Bless your family.
My sister went through the very same thing with her second child. It happened 2 days before Thanksgiving. She woke up, didn’t feel the baby moving, called her doctor. Her doctor told her that everything was probably fine and that my sister was so small and so close to delivery that the baby didn’t have room to move around. Later that afternoon my sister showed up at her doctor’s office because she knew something was wrong. Ultrasound confirmed that the baby had passed. Now comes the really bad part….. My sister’s doctor told my sister since Thanksgiving was in 2 days to just go home enjoy the holiday and she would induce her the following Monday!!!!! I couldn’t believe a doctor could be so insensitive!! My sister spoke up and said “No way is that happening”. She was induced that evening and delivered a perfect baby girl that night. At first she didn’t want to hold her or see her but a wonderful nurse at the hospital convinced her that she really should…. that it would help with the grieving process.
Thanks for sharing your story. Made me remember this one. Her daughter would have been 19 this year.
I relate to your pain, having one earth angel and one in heaven myself. You are so strong to share and believe that it all happens for a reason. May this day remain one of comfort in your family for you this and every year.
You are very brave. Thank you for sharing,
I read most things from “couponers united” on a daily basis. This story hits me most personally and powerful of any. I lost my only daughter at 21wks gestation on 3/27/2009. My story mirrors yours except on how far along I was when I had to be induced to deliver her. Including the hospital part where you hear babies crying all night–suprised I didn’t end up going insane from that. The hospital we went to, however, fought us about giving us our baby girl to bury!!
My husband and I do have faith we will see her again one day, and that faith has kept us together making us stronger together and appreciating our boys more. But I still hurt every day. We wanted (and still do) a girl more than you could imagine. I have 4 beautiful, healthy boys today in total- 17yr, 11yr, 2yr and 8months who I would not trade for anything. But not one day goes by YET that I don’t think of her, and what she would look like today, what stage of development she would be in, or just the simple act of dressing up a GIRL!! Of course I cried when I read your post because I re-live that pain again with you. Nothing I have ever gone through has compaired to that pain. My mom tells me “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle”–guess sometimes I just wish he didn’t think I was so strong. It is exremely difficult to find what the “reason” is for things like this. But ultimately I think—there has to be one, because God ALWAYS has a good reason. Just we as parents have a good reason for telling our kids what to do and NOT to do. They don’t have to understand the “why”- just know whatever the reason is, we do it with love and with their best interest at heart.
—Mommy and Daddy love you Mayah Avonlee ~3/27/2009
Tears <3 thank you Mary for sharing your story. Thank you for being there for us this year, for preparing us for what we would experience at the hospital, for everything. I could not have walked through so many of those dark days without knowing I could turn to you with things that no one else seemed to understand. You have a BEAUTIFUL daughter, a beautiful story, and a beautiful faith. You give me so much hope!
Thanks for sharing your story. A friend’s grand daughter, just went through the same thing with identical twins at 39 wks. I cannot even imagine the pain of carrying a child for that lon; and then losing it. Your daughter is beautiful; and she waits for you in heaven.
You’re strength and bravery for sharing this story with so many of us is out of this world! Happy Birthday sweet Emma!
Mary, I`m so sorry it happened to your beautiful baby! I was crying reading your post. I admire your strength and your faith! God bless you and your family! Happy Birthday to your Angel!!!
Thank you for allowing us to be part of your family and know your story. You just make us realize that life is so precious and short. Just like you said only God knows what and why he does things a certain way. Happy Birthday Emma 🙂
Wow what a story!!! In tears…
Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for sharing your story. Emma is beautiful. Our son Noah was born still at 37 weeks on 8/30/2008. I think of him every day. You never forget do you? Peace to you and your family.
Thank you for sharing. I have 4 children and 1 angel as well although it was a very early miscarriage and I’m sure no where as heart wrenching as yours. I to have had two children since! I have a friend that lost a 9 month old daughter last year this month due to SIDS and another friend who had to give birth to her first set of twins who both past about 25 weeks in. Here’s to all the angels!
Thanks for sharing this. I was walking on campus today noticing a pregnant student and thinking to myself,”I’m so proud of you for continuing your education and keeping your baby” but I didn’t say it. Now I wish that I had. I know other single moms. My mother lost 3 of her 4 children to a drunk driver, only my older brother and the baby-sitter survived the car accident. My father had a vasectomy reversed before that technology existed 33 years ago. My mother was pregnant with twins and lost them. They tried again though, and here I am…and I have a brother 16 months younger than me. I’m 31 and my mother is 67. My older brother is 43, and my father passed away almost 5 years ago at the age of 86. I always wanted to have a sister and a year ago I find out through a dna test that I have a half sister that is 64! It’s so exciting getting to know her! You will see your little angel and I will meet my deceased siblings too one day!
Wow… what a story. I too have 4 little angels in heaven, although I was never blessed with the joys of delivery, through the miracle of adoption we have a 6 YO son. He is an ex-26 weeker, born weighing in at a whopping 1 lb 14oz… he is our little miracle. I don’t know what our plan is… but I am just hanging on and enjoying the ride. 🙂 thank you for sharing. Such an amazing story. God bless.
Thank you for being bold enough to share your story. You were a blessing to my church when you came by invitation of Michelle Skinner Johnson (New Covenant Baptist Church). I have been silently taking your advice and reading your posts. But today this blog touched me I had to post to let you know that there is freedom in sharing your testimony. There is freedom in the testifier and freedom of those under the sound of the testimony. Continue to share as you are indeed a blessing those that need to hear it.
LaVon.
This is so sad! ((HUGS)) I couldn’t even imagine. :'(
Thank you for sharing…..lives are and will be touched and changed because if your testimony. The Lord gives and The Lord takes away……blessed be the name if The Lord.
Thank you for sharing your story. Your faith is an inspiration. God bless you!
Thank you for re-sharing your story! You are an inspiration to many. Hugs dear friend!
Heartbreaking, amazing story. Everything happens for a reason. Happy Heavenly Birthday Emma.
Happy Birthday Emma!!!
I have 3 angels, I can’t relate completely to your type of loss, mine were at different stages of pregnancy. 2 were unexplained early stages miscarriages and the other was a devastating further along miscarriage that happened on my husbands birthday. I won’t share the story, because I think it would scare a lot of women.
Just know my thoughts and prayers go out with you today!
Did you by chance receive a box in the hospital from an organization called Viviana’s Memory Boxes? Your amazing picture of Emma leads to ask? It’s not mine, but I’ve helped with it, and think that what they do is amazing! ( considering the what they are helping parents deal with)
Love to your family!
We did receive a box that we still have with many trinkets inside. I don’t recall the name of the group that provided it – I’m sure they told me, but I don’t remember a whole lot in the hospital. I’m so grateful that they gave me the box though! I have her sonograms in there, the lamb and blanket from the pic, and a few other things. <3
Just beautiful! Emma, your strength through God…may the Lord continue to bless you and your family. Your life is a sermon of God’s awesomeness! Prayers for you as you remember your little angel…
OMG, I am so sorry!!! I am glad you can share it with us though. That way, we can all stand beside you and grieve for Beautiful Baby Emma. Very heartbreaking story. :*-(
I know from experience how difficult these times are. Only I was by the side of my best friends, of 30 yesrs now. And we were so young at the time. She was 20 and I was 19. It was her due date. She was worried she had felt Kristi move. I just told her she had moved into the birth canal and was getting ready to come home. To this day I have never said those words to a pregnant woman again! I felt so bad. But, like we all call it “that motherly instinct” overwelhmed by best friend, so she went to the dr that day, only to hear the words an expectant mother never wants to hear. Kristi was born that night. Such a beautiful baby she was! Nearly a year and a half later, my friend gave birth to a beautiful very healthy set of boy/girl twins. He weighed in at 8lbs 6oz, she weighed in at 6lbs 7oz. They will be 21 this year! She has a 15 yr old son! Life can be devastating but beautiful all at the same time.
Thank you for sharing your story and the beautiful pics of your dauhhter.
Thank you for sharing and for strengthening others through your grief. Your precious baby lives, and is wrapped in the arms of her Savior. May you experience peace and comfort during this brief separation, and know that you will be her mother in the eternities.
Hugs to you. Happy Birthday, Emma
Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt story. Blessings to you and your family!
wow! what a testimony to your faith and how God used you and your family. Emma was a beautiful baby.
Thank you for sharing such a personal story. I pray that this will help others who have dealt with such tragedy and will help them have faith in God to lead them through.
Thank you for having the courage to share this with us. I know it must have been very painful to write. God has Emma wrapped in his arms. God bless your family.
God Bless You!
Hearing your story brings tears to my eyes and heart. We lost a baby at 17 weeks and that was so heart breaking I just could not understand why God would do this to us. It never goes away but it does get easier to live life after awhile. Keep smiling and like you said God has a plan even if we do not understand he does.
I remember reading this last year an I felt the same pain. No matter how many years pass it will always be the same pain. Im terribly sorry for your loss. She was a beautiful baby. God Bless you and your family.
Mary and Family,
My heart and prayers go out to you and your family. Sending love and hugs your way.
Lisa
Thank you for sharing your story. Our family went through a similar tragedy in November. That was when my daughter found out that her baby boy was no longer with us-(she was 25 wks pregnant). They induced and we stayed with her through labor and was able to say hello and goodbye to our sweet little angel. My husband and I left to give our daughter and her husband time to spend with there little one. I am grateful that I was able to hold my grandson -I was devasted that I would never hold him again. Again, thank you so much for sharing your story….your baby angel is beautiful!!
Wow, I am still crying. I am so sorry for your loss. Emma was beautiful.
You are so courageous to share and selfless to help others enduring this great pain.
God Bless You and Your Family